The Now ... Bless Me??

It has been nearly a month since I have written. Someone I know and love suggested that it was because I was busy with happy stuff. For a while, yes, it was. I was busy with happy stuff. However, for the last couple weeks it was because of void: Void of happiness. Void of purpose. Void of Joy. Void of activity. Voidness (this is not even a real word). I don't wish this on anyone.

void adj. 1. having no legal force or effect; not legally binding or enforceable. Bah -- not useful here. 2. useless; ineffectual; vain. Curious -- the vain thing. Hmmmm. 3. devoid; destitute. 4. without contents; empty.

How depressing.

Sure, I could dust. I could vacuum. But the house is pretty neat! My laundry is done. My dishes are done. My lawn is even mowed (see "Making Hay." Coup.) My bills are paid. I did the FAFSA. I'm running and have lost freaking 12 pounds. I could change my sheets, but my bedroom isn't a mess! I could clean my shower, but it's not that bad. I have NOTHING to do right now! I could be out having fun, but I'm home on Cinco de Mayo doing nothing but planting bulbs. Dang.

One sister golfed, one sister is in the Mediterranean! One sister is probably gardening and spending the evening with her husband -- all with purpose. I am alone here at home wondering what the freak my life is all about. I sure go up and down, don't I?

This morning in church a lovely woman spoke about abandoning her entire life here in our comfortable country -- selling everything -- and going to Haiti to work as a Mission Co-Worker for the Presbyterian Church. I am in awe of her sacrifice -- of her choices. I sat there knowing that my service to the church rather pales in comparison ... yeh, I sing and I work for the church -- but her sacrifice is measurable. Is mine? I paid lots of money to send my spawn into the mission field this spring. They were effective -- they were affected -- and, yeh, it's a sacrifice for me. But really? Was it really a sacrifice? Am I really just hiding under that guise of making stuff possible -- paying the way -- undergirding the ministry? Geez. I'm shaking my own head trying to figure it all out.

I've recently discovered something really cool. I have found that I have little to no personal pride. Is that good or bad? Ha ha ha!! OMG. It's a good question. Good or bad. More importantly, I have realized that that lack of pride means that I truly have some sort of strange, wonderful, grace to offer that can only be of God -- not of me. I have truly become some sort of "void" instrument of peace. wow. Please don't misunderstand. I am surprised and really happy! I think I used to be a more judgmental, less tolerant, less forgiving person. Now I'm just NOT. I'm NOT. However, that means that I am vulnerable. I am open to hurt -- injury -- pain, which, of course, I really don't want to experience! I've had enough of that!! But ... I am experiencing it. And it's not fun. I don't like it. I hate it. I'm suffering.

So now that I have you all perplexed and wondering and worried ... just breathe. God and I have this understanding: I suffer and He (or she or whomever that makes you all feel gooey inside) just keeps doing what He does. And I suck it up. Not happily. I'm gonna' have some freaking conversation when and if I ever make it into the Kingdom: "What were you thinking?!?"

So, as my kids enter finals week, I make public these things: I love my children. I am so incredibly proud of them -- for the grief and sorrow that they've overcome; for their personal achievements in academics and in global missions; for loving me so beautifully; for loving each other without limit; for cherishing their heritage; for worshipping their Lord and Savior. Dang :-)

I guess I've done okay. I loved my husband through his life -- his illness -- his ministry -- his vocation. I gave care through his death. I honor his parents, though my own are dead. I have raised my children in the church and taught them to love God, neighbor, enemy and self ... and still bare my heart and soul, even to my detriment. I AM LESLIE. Hear me freaking roar. ha ha ha. I amuse myself!!

But, God, you and me need to have a chat.

Do I need to start a new blog? Am I uncleaved to the degree that I ever can be? I wonder ... a few times in the last couple weeks I thought of putting my wedding rings back on my finger ... a sort of false protection? A return to what I know? A rebuffing of crap? Maybe ... but, in the end, I am not married. David is dead. He is gone. He loved me. He cherished me. He wasn't always kind or loving, like all husbands. But, generally, I knew his love -- his devotion -- his respect. I'm "supposed" to still be shielded by that -- to be covered and protected. Instead, I'm bare and naked and open to everything! Ouch. That's why my God and I need to have a chat. I'm talking, but I'm not sure He's listening. HEY!!! Listen-up!

It is time for me to live a life that is free from DEATH. To be free from ANGST. To be free from worry and brokenheartedness. Ok? I want to live that life that the charmed folks live: To be cherished by a wonderful man; to have healthy children; to be free of scary medical stuff; to live alongside of people I love for a freaking LONG TIME. And for my son to get an A in Philosophy :-) LOL.

Someone I love deeply told me that God must have something for me to LEARN right now -- in the midst of some unhappy stuff. I love her and cherish her and trust her ... but all I could think was, "Haven't I learned enough? Isn't it time for my life to be a little more easy-going ... joyful ... lovely?" Please, God. Bless me now!!

Then I sit back in my chair and have to acknowledge that I have been so richly blessed throughout my struggles and my losses and my sorrows. So many saints have held me in their daily prayers ... in their hearts and souls. I would never want to diminish the beauty and power of those loving prayers, and, so, in humility ... step away from my demands of my Lord. But still, I know that He wants to know my heart's desire: Grant me joy. Thank you, God.