MERCY WINS.

I didn't readily recall this awful little story and was horrified when I was reminded of it, but I do have little bits of images in my memory. We had this terrible bank -- yeh, for coins. It was a seated gorilla, made of ceramic, painted very realistically to look very fierce, and it was big -- maybe 12-15" high. My baby sister was frightened of this bank.

I don't remember being a mean little girl ... unless you think forcing your other middle sib to play school and you're always the teacher, then maybe. (For some reason, she almost always went along with it and we had long hours of play school. Tools were the key there. We had a large chalkboard, fresh, new chalk and lots of cool, colored paper to make worksheets out of. I was probably a real pain in the you-know-what. I taught her everything I knew.) However, the baby -- 7 years my junior -- was not a suitable pupil. After all, she couldn't complete the worksheets! She wouldn't sit still in her little chair! She also had the tendency to mess with our dolls or our legos or whatever. We found a way to keep her out of our room. We placed the gorilla bank in the doorway. That trusty sentinel effectively kept her out of our way. I feel really guilty writing about this because she was a REALLY adorable little kid. Her fear was real.

Fear is a very powerful thing. I've lived through a lot of fear (not just scaredy-cat stuff). Have you?

Have you seen those bumper stickers -- just plain black with white caps stating: LOVE WINS. David had them all over his guitar cases. My kids have them on their

laptops and nalgene bottles. But what does it mean? I think it means that love wins-out over fear -- whatever fear or fears we have. Rob Bell, a mega-church pastor, wrote a controversial book by this title -- but that's not what I'm talking about. He was talking about hell -- I'm talking about fear. (Of course, hell can be one of your fears ...) This is different -- this thing called fear.

In preparing my mind and heart to write about this, it occurred to me that David had some songs about fear. In reality, they mostly brush on being scared. He didn't really write about fear until very late in his life, when deep fear probably started to creep-in on him. Up until the last couple years of his life, he wasn't fearful. In fact, he was somewhat intolerant of fear. I'm not sure why. Because "one who fears is not made perfect in love?" Because he believed that "perfect love drives out fear?" [1 John 4:11-18] Probably. Especially THAT kind of love. God's love -- and that sacrificial Christian love we hope to have for others. But what are the mechanics of that? How does that work? Is it really enough?

What fears do we struggle with? Fear of failure, of course. That's very broad. Failure in marriage or any relationship. Failure in career. Failure in school. Failure in sports or music or writing! Can LOVE "handle" that fear? What about those fears we have that seem pretty natural? Fear that our children will become seriously ill -- or injured. Fear that our husband will fall out of love with us or that our wife will cheat on us. Fear that no matter how careful we are, our house may burn down or we'll be in a terrible car accident. Fear that our loved ones will die before they "should." How does LOVE win over these fears? When does fear win over love?

A regular commentary on the topic is something along the lines that worrying about or fearing that these things MAY happen can eat away at us -- occupy our thoughts to an unhealthy degree -- prevent us from embracing the blessings right in front of us. Yes, I agree. But these things DO happen. Our fears are valid. Perhaps, then, the fear becomes more about how we will be affected WHEN these things happen. Yeh, that's a biggie. As the wife of a terminally ill man, I couldn't help but think about what his death would be like. Not just physically, but how my life would be after his death. I know what it's like now -- and sometimes I look back and I'm amazed that I made it through. I wouldn't wish what David endured those last few years on anybody -- AND I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybody, either. Fearing what I experiened by his side -- as his caregiver and wife -- was very valid. And yet, LOVE did WIN.

LOVE took the form of a few doctors, a few nurses, some Hospice workers, some volunteers -- vigilant church family -- enduring friends from across the decades of David's life and our life together -- folks from the brain cancer community, Presbyterians from all over the nation, family that travelled long distances to be in our midst, children so brave and so incredibly strong. God was in all of them -- weaving under, over, around and among each gathered soul -- each saint. And that last night, Jesus himself sat with us, of that I am most certain. Without that LOVE, how could we possible "win?" ... get through that and be standing on the other side? Without MERCY, we could not have "won."

Mercy is a beautiful word -- a beautiful thing. It means compassionate treatment, it embodies a disposition to be kind and forgiving, it is something for which to be thankful; a blessing and it can bring about alleviation of distress; relief. MERCY WINS. A merciful God IS a loving God. This translates well to the way we treat each other. Jesus teaches us to love our enemies. That surely requires a heart of mercy. If you don't know that kind of love, seek it. You need it. Also GIVE it. Knock and the door will be answered. [Matthew 7:7]

I sure hope that before things got too out of control -- we took mercy on our baby sister and put a blanket over that mean old gorilla, permitting her entry to our play -- access to us. I pray that our love for her drove-out her fears -- then, and in the following years of her life.

Love Wins
david m. bailey

There's a time in everybody's life
When you think you're gonna take it on the chin
It's as good a time as any to remember
Fear fights love - and love wins

And when the clouds of doubt start to gather
When the symphony of sorrow begins
That's a perfect time for you to remember
Fear fights love - and love wins

There will always be pain in your past
But when it knocks on your door don't let it in
it's not that fear has been forgotten
But fear fights love - and love wins

So when the courage in your heart starts to falter
And the thoughts in your head start to spin
and you lose your grip on all of your convictions
know that fear fights love - and love wins

In the middle of the night
when you've lost your sight
'cause there is no light
'cause your soul ain't right
you wish it were all black and white
and you don't feel all that contrite
you wish you did and you just might
if only you could kill the fright

the fright ... the fear.
yeah once again, the fear begins
But fear fights love - and love wins

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:  and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  [Psalm 23:6]