I have been feeling very overwhelmed lately. It's not the Christmas rush. I actually have most of my shopping finished and am planning on doing some wrapping and shipping over the next few days. My daughter has been home and my son is coming home soon. I've been busy with other formidables preparing the church for Christmas -- singing in cantatas and helping with pageants. I just feel sad. I'm weepy. I'm disappointed. I wonder if I'll ever feel happy again. Oh boy. I'm sorry. I don't mean to bring anyone down. It's not that bad. I probably come off as bright and shiny most of the time, don't I? Hmmm. I'm not a sadsack. It's when i get alone and contemplate the state of my life that I get a little weepy. Damn. How did I get here?
The first Christmas after David died, my son wanted to do something new and special for his sister. He wanted to get the outdoor lights up before she came home after finals. Not only did he want to get the lights up, but he wanted NEW lights. Different lights. He wanted a tangible change -- something that maybe wouldn't make her sad -- make any of us sad. He didn't want to have anything to do with our "regular old lights." Nothing about our lives was regular. I guess he thought, perhaps, it would be wise to at least acknowledge that much! and "keep calm and move on," or whatever that little book is called. (I have a copy. My daughter gave it to me. Carry on! That's it.) Anyway, we got bold -- went with colored lights, instead of our conservative, "holy" white lights. We went retro -- got the big bulbs, like my parents had -- and changed everything all up. It was actually fun and exciting to do this with him ... for her.
But last year we didn't get them up. I wonder if we will this year. I feel guilty as I drive down my lane -- as I approach the driveway of our lone, dark house on the street. My bushes need to be trimmed ... suitcases are blocking the Christmas totes in the attic ... the house needs to be cleaned. The list of excuses could go on and on. Basically, however, I just don't feel like it. I'm sad. Dark and twisty ... Grief ebbs and flows -- comes in waves nearly unbearable at times and then makes a retreat for a time. But then it returns. Of course, holidays can be times of more intense grief, even when you least expect it ... and yet, all around me, the frivolity continues and I stand on the outside looking in -- so wanting to get wrapped-up in it and be swept away. I would love it if I had abundant energy to clean the house, decorate, bake, shop and even have a party! I sometimes stop and ponder the regularness of those things. How maybe someday it wouldn't take all of my mental energy mustered to run the vacuum cleaner or do the dishes. I have no idea when I might send Christmas cards again. (Actually, the liberty in NOT doing Christmas cards cannot be understated ...) When will I simply be happy again and not be sad?
Some may think it's choice. "Leslie, just choose to be happy. Just refuse to be sad. Get up early -- make the most of the hours in your day -- refuse to give-in to the sorrow."
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 5:3-10)
I believe that I am blessed! But I don't believe that "blessed" equates "happy."
bless·ed [bles-id or blest] adjective: 1. consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified;
2. worthy of adoration, reverence, or worship; 3. divinely or supremely favored, fortunate; 4. blissfully happy or contented.
Okay, maybe I'm not blessed, according to this definition! However, I do believe that I am richly blessed by the loving kindness of many people -- and by the saving, merciful, grace of the living, loving God!
hap·py [hap-ee] adjective: 1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing; 2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy; 3. favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky.
Okay, sometimes I am happy. I will qualify that, however, by pointing out that the nature of happiness is often incidental (I would also say "fleeting"). Maybe I'm thinking more along the lines of cheerfulness. Whatever ... What I really need is true, lasting joy! and I know that it is moving around me -- waiting to embrace me -- waiting to take root and send-forth shoots and vine. I am becoming quite impatient for that to happen.
As most of the beloved who spend a lot of time with me know, I actually function pretty well. I laugh. I can be really funny, if I do say so myself. I join-in. I spend time in relationship. I'm not wallowing in a pit or a mud puddle. But mostly I'm just keeping calm and carrying on. Sometimes with a little more gusto than other times. Sometimes I'm sparkly and shiny. And sometimes the gusto level wanes a bit from a lingering sorrow and fatigue. But still, I carry on. Maybe when the collegiates get home, our combined energies will bring forth an attic run, resulting in a dining room full of Christmas boxes and the clutter of decorations and tangled strings of lights. Perhaps we'll get those bushes trimmed and wrap colorful lights on our blue spruce. We will, for sure, play Christmas music and do some shopping. We'll most likely even bake a batch or two of cookies. We will rejoice that God is with us. We will be thankful for Emmanuel -- and for each other ... and maybe even shine brightly here and there.
But tonight ...
wow, Les, you are SO right, as always...
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