Tenuousness

ten·u·ous[ten-yoo-uhs] adjective 1. thin or slender in form, as a thread. 2. lacking a sound basis, as reasoning; unsubstantiated; weak; 3. thin in consistency; rare or rarefied; 4. of slight importance or significance; unsubstantia; 5. lacking in clarity, vague.

Tenous us a word that I use quite frequently in my language -- in dialogue. I have always thought its meaning to be more about weakness -- uncertainty. These definitions make me re-evaluate. Lately, I have found that a whole lot of the information that is being communicated to me seems to be quite tenuous -- lacking a sound basis; unsubstantiated -- vague. That is disheartening. I hate vagueness.

dis·heart·en [dis-hahr-tn] verb (used with object) to depress the hope, courage, or spirits of; discourage.

That stinks.

My whole philosophy has evolved into a "no more BS" kind of way of life since David died. I mean ... I have no surplus of emotional or mental energy to waste on untruth -- disingenuousness -- crap. So when I find that it's landing on my doorstep unwelcomed, it makes me take stock.

Do I want to waste my time and energy on anything that lacks sound basis or is of slight importance? No, I don't think I do. This seems to be closely related to my impatience and hope. Who wants to hope for something that is vague? That vague stuff depresses hope, courage and spirit -- it discourages. But not everyone is so enlightened. (ha) How does one bring those who actually have something with basis -- consistency -- importance and clarity to offer -- around to a less tenuous manner of being? I have no idea.

Throughout the many years that I was the wife of a brain cancer survivor, I was blessed to witness courageousness and hopeful spirit of those fighting the freaking "good fight" that exhibited the soul-deep understanding that time is short. Life is preciouss. Love is the only important thing in this world -- and they lived that way -- with an urgency and intense sincerity. So many of us simply don't live in that spirit. So many of us live in fear -- fear of rejection, fear of shame, fear of failure, fear of death, fear of being alone. If only everyone could just let go of that fear and live every moment to its fullest without tenuousness...

Life in a church seems to have a lesser degree of this disheartening element, but when it rears its head, I balk and I balk hugely. My church is where I find sanctuary -- acceptance -- love -- belonging. When my church lets me down, I am discouraged. My spirit is depressed. I am saddened. And I wonder where I can seek loveliness -- clarity and basis. I experienced a good bit of tenuousness in my own church this week and I am discouraged. So I look to others in my life -- family, friends -- even new ones -- and tonight my spirits are low. I'm feeling that none of my global prayer warriors are lifting me up right now because all is silent. I feel very alone. My spirits are low. Church people or not, we are all human and sometimes these relationships are tenuous -- and those are the times when I most need to bounce things off of a partner -- a husband -- someone who will always take my side. Instead, I sit alone in my home and write about it. With whom can I debate these things? There is nobody who is all mine -- for whom I am the most important person in the world. I feel bereft and alone and angry.

Do those of you out there who have a spouse or someone who cares about everything that's going on in your life know what a treasure you have? Someone who showers you with attention and shows you affection? Who listens to your joys and worries and sees your weaknesses and loves you anyway? You are very blessed. Thank that person and do better if you're not doing very well on your side of things.

I'm existing in this transitional time of my life -- and I have no idea where the evolution will end up. Will I just be a more independent, somewhat happier single middle-aged person finding purpose in this life of mine? Will I be a surprisingly more emotionally dependent woman resting in the affection of someone -- trusting and enjoying? Will I be a spunky grandmother who somehow manages to stay healthy? Will I be a world traveller? Will I be a published writer? Will I find a vocation in the church? Who knows. I just pray that my path lacks tenuousness -- instead, that it be defined by the antithesis: importance; substance. I'm so impatient to discover what that's going to be!!

So, in the interim, I'm exploring a bunch of new music. One song that inspired my blog title is by Andrew Bird. I like a lot of his stuff, but this song is weird! See if you can make any sense of these lyrics!

Tenuousness
Andrew Bird

Love of hate acts as an axis
Love of hate acts as an axis
First it wanes and then it waxes
So procreate and pay your taxes

Tenuousness, less seven comes to three
Them, you, us plus eleven
Thank the heavens for their elasticity
And as for those who live and die for astronomy

When coprophagia was writ
Know when to stand or when to sit
Can't stand to stand, can't stand to sit
And who would want to know this?
Click, click, click

Who wants to look upon this?
Who wants to look upon this pray tell?
Who wants to look upon this?
Who wants to look upon this pray tell, pray tell?

Tenuousness, less seven comes to three
Them, you, us plus eleven comes just shy of infinity
And as for those who live and die from numerology

What????