Thankful

I am thankful. Sometimes it's painful to pull-out those things for which I am thankful, but there are many things. The other day, even as I sat with a pie baking in the oven, a large turkey in the sink thawing -- in warmth and light in a comfortable home with the unfamiliar sounds of other humans in the house, I could count at least that many. Good music, electricity, and food a-plenty, how could I not be thankful?

Several of my friends spent this Thanksgiving grieving the loss of their mothers. I can't remember the first Thanksgiving after my mother died, but I bet it was a rather low-key affair. It had been just over half a year, which is still a very raw time after someone dies. My mother's death was untimely and unexpected, so that really increased the difficulty in conjuring-up a grateful heart. Still, I must imagine, that my father with four healthy daughters, his mother, perhaps his brother and wife, and a son-in-law, could not deny that he was thankful, at least, for us, as we were thankful for him -- his love, his spirit, his provision of home.

Tonight, my children are right here with me -- bellies full of left-over turkey, the soporific quality having had a marked effect on my daughter! Thankful ... for healthy children in my midst.

The Thanksgiving following David's death was not even two months later -- with the season of joy rather looming over us as we struggled to get into the spirit. Ha. We chose to stay in Pennsylvania that year -- surrounding ourselves with family. Though my first choice is always to be home -- every day -- we were happily distracted by my newly-wed niece and her husband in their home. Thankful ... for their sweet hospitality to our wee, sad family.

A few years ago, David began a sort of gratitude campaign. One day he presented me with one of those silicone bracelets, upon which read, "Thankful," or "I'm Thankful." It was not an expression of shared thankfulness, however; it was an admonishment. He thought that my glass was half-empty -- that I was a negative nancy -- and he was displeased. The personality changes had begun to move-in by then, but I could still be taken-aback with these unexpected moments. He had begun to put enormous energy into being uber positive -- a super survivor -- and could scarcely stand to see the recognition of the truth in my face. To make matters worse, though he knew I didn't like those bracelets, he expected me to wear it. I was powerless to defend my thankful spirit upon the seemingly deaf ears of a dying man. That November he had brain surgery that resulted in an emotionally changed husband who began to isolate himself -- followed by weeks of medical studies out of state (only increasing the isolation), which culminated in a big treatment of nuclear medicine on Christmas Eve. Happy Freaking Thanksgiving. (That was the Christmas we spent ten hours in the ER and then a week in the hospital). Thankful ... for doctors. Okay. We were very thankful for doctors. David wrote a thank you song for them.

This is not to say that David was not always a thankful person. He was. He had a deeply grateful heart. Many cancer patients become grateful -- for they see the many blessings that we healthier folks take for granted on an hourly basis. Many of David's songs were thanks-related. Not long after his diagnosis, he wrote a very moving song about being thankful for me. When my meandering thoughts arrive at that painful moment when my husband accused me of being thankless, I redirect my memories to that song -- to times when we lived beside each other in shared thanksgiving -- and that helps to soothe those emotional bruises. I am enormously thankful to have spent over 23 years with such an incredible man -- and for the memory of the loving gaze in his chocolate eyes. I am deeply grateful for our children, amazing and miraculous blends of the two of us, thereby preventing David from leaving us entirely as they live-on -- and for their unique selves -- awesome, love-filled, gentle humans.

I am very thankful for food and home ... and for the means by which to certain the continuing education of my kids. I am grateful for my loving sisters and their families -- for David's family -- and for my beautiful friends. I am thankful for these words that come forth from deep inside me and that they may bless some saints who read them. I am thankful for my own breath -- and for my faithful pooch. I am forever grateful for David's legacy through his songs, thoughts and poems. I am saved by my living, loving Lord and His merciful grace ... and grateful for His church. I am thankful.

I'm Thankful
David M. Bailey

I'm thankful for the way the sun rises in the morning
I'm thankful for yellow red and blue
I'm thankful that the tides don't forget to return
Most of all, I'm thankful for you

I'm thankful that the lightning never strikes twice in the garden
I'm thankful for the silent midnight dew
I'm thankful for the quiet thoughts that visit when the moon shines
But most of all, I'm thankful for you

So much to make my heart glad
So many reasons to sing
I'm thankful for every moment
And you, you're in eveyrthing

I'm thankful for the way my son reaches for my fingers
I'm thankful for my daughter's smile, too
I'm thankful for the time that brought us all together
But most of all, I'm thankful for you

I'm so thankful

http://www.davidmbailey.com/audio/DAVID_M_BAILEY-Im_Thankful_hifi.m3u