Vision

I have really bad eyesight. I had to get glasses in the 2nd grade. Finally getting contacts in high school was a miracle! Doing away with the cumbersome, ugly glasses and just presenting my own face was liberating. However, I still have to deal with the poor eyesight. My vision is so poor that I don't even qualify for Lasik surgery, though I've heard lately that it's not the panacea it was thought to be ... It hasn't been easy ... living with blurred vision.

Lack of vision can cause all sorts of problems. Just a few weeks ago, I felt a tickle on my leg in the shower. I used a foot to "scratch" it. When I looked down, I saw a black blog moving toward me. Certainly whatever had been on my leg was lifeless, right? but it appeared to be, quite intentionally, coming back! I had to crouch down to get a closer look -- and confirmed that not only was it a large spider, but that it was still alive! I was totally creeped-out -- pried-up the drain cover and washed that ugly thing down. From above, it was just a black blob. Dang.

Sunday morning's Scripture lesson in church was from the Gospel of Mark, chapter 10 where a blind man named Bartimaeus asked Jesus to have mercy on him. Jesus asked him what he wanted and he said that he simply wanted to see. Jesus healed him, saying that his own faith had healed him. The thing is, Bartimaeus then chose to follow Jesus. His vision had been restored AND he saw something else -- the divinity of Jesus. A different future -- heck, a different present!

One defintion of vision is, "An experience in which a personage, thing, or event appears vividly or credibly to the mind, although not actually present, often under the influence of a divine." I think this can also include forward thinking -- something that may not be readily evident to just anyone. Someone told me once that I had "vision" that they simply did not have in a very difficult situation with tough choices to be made. They would have made a different decision than I, but it might have been the wrong one. This was, perhaps, one of the most humble confessions anyone has ever made to me.

We were quite a visually handicapped couple, David and I. I couldn't function without corrective lenses and he lost half of his field vision to scar tissue in his brain. Both of us had to depend on other senses to fill in those gaps from time to time. For me, generally, it was at night -- when I got up in the dark to make my way to the bathroom or to a child calling to me or to the kitchen for a glass of water -- finding my way through the familiarity of our home and touch. For him, the handicap was constant -- uncorrectable with glasses -- where he hoped that hearing or simple knowledge of a situation would complete his sight. He didn't do very well with that. Try to imagine, if you can, not being able to see to the side without shifting your eyes. That was what happened to David following nuclear medicine. It took us a while to figure it out, but when we did, it both explained a lot and was crushing.

Perpipheral vision is something that most of us take for granted. Even the general meaning of the word peripheral minimizes its impact: concerned with relatively minor, irrelevant, or superficial aspects. I guarantee that where our vision is concerned, peripheral is far from irrelevant. Our peripheral vision is what permits us to notice a deer getting ready to jump out in front of our vehicle -- or a child or a dog. It is what helps us navigate through a crowd without stepping on the feet of others or plowing them over. It's what helps us see the person just to our side reaching out to shake our hand. David had lost all of this ability on his left side. Driving was a challenge -- and risky. (Angels working overtime here.) He was commonly berated in airports or school hallways for bumping into people -- and sometimes accused as being rude for seemingly rejecting outstretched hands in greeting. Of course he had no control over these things and, at times, agonized over them -- but generally, adapted and made adjustments to overcome these limitations.

This was the same man who had better than 20/20 vision. One day early in our marriage , we travelled to New York to ski -- and found ourselves in a terrible white-out blizzard on our way home. David fearlessly and accutely saw his way through the snow to get us home safely. I had such faith in his "vision" that I slept while he tackled the weather and stayed on our path. I had the same faith and comfort in his "vision" when he assured me that we could, indeed, buy our first home -- and we did. I shared his insight when he believed he could write songs that people would want to hear -- and take them directly to those people -- and make a living doing it. We had asked Jesus to have mercy on us and to give us sight -- and He did -- and we followed Him. Vision.

David was big on dreams. Though I think he was somewhat disappointed that my big dream was simply to grow old with him, he never forgot it. He was hoping for something more exciting, I think, like writing a book or being a doctor or something. (He wrote a song or two about that, too.) At that time, my dream was to be a mother -- a family. Quite honestly, looking back, anything bigger may have gotten in the way of what God wanted David to do. I shared God's vision -- and I supported David's vocation. I believed in what he was doing -- that it was a true calling. Again, from Mark 10: 29 “Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30 will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life. 31 But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” Ouch. See? And, yes ... I really do believe this stuff.

Perception is a huge part of how we see situations. How we see each other. How we see our world -- our environment. Vision.

I deeply care about how my children view me. My daughter recently wrote to me that I was the most genuine person she knows. Wow. She also wrote that she loves this blog because it's about our life -- "... both the light and dark parts of our family's life." She said that she's learning so much about MY family as I was growing up -- and about how I see the world and the people around me. She also admitted that so much has our family been defined by David, that hearing it from my point of view makes him another character in our story rather than the protagonist with us as the back-up crew. She's pretty perceptive. My son took it a step further by pointing out that they were reading these words as if I was another person -- not just Mom. They are able to have a glimpse into my mind and heart -- and my life -- from a unique, non-parental angle. And then they view me differently. That's cool.

How do others see me? Well, I've written about the formidable stuff. I had no idea. I'm just me or, as my son so eloquently identifies me, "Good Old Leslie." I've been repeatedly surprised at the positive feedback I've received regarding my writing -- before I began blogging and since. Seriously, I have never thought of myself as a writer -- but others see me as such. It's quite a surprise. I hope others see me as caring, faithful and friendly -- thoughtful, perhaps -- and at least a little smart? And then I ponder what I think of myself!

I see myself as being resilient and useful. I do see myself as nurturing and as a good friend. I believe that I am mindful and responsible -- but also weary (so then a little lazy) and non-productive sometimes. I look over my shoulder and see someone who was happier -- more cheerful -- content and industrious! Not sedentary and slow-moving.

And right now -- in this moment -- I'm trying to peer into my future. What can I see? What is the vision of my life yet to be lived? I'm just not sure! I guess for at least the near future, I see more of this writing stuff. Many have suggested that I could publish some of these words in a book of sorts. I wonder ... A good friend insists that I should go to Seminary, if for no other reason than to study Theology and Christology. (You know I would need a utility for that ...) I love that I still have mothering to do -- for what remains of my lifetime -- oh! and grandmothering, too!

So my vision of my own life, looking forward, remains a bit blurry -- not a black blob anymore -- but certainly not quite yet in focus. Maybe I need new glasses. Ah, to have the vision of Bartimaeus!